In honor of Hump Day, that not-so-shitty yet not-so-awesome day in the middle of the week, I have decided to start a recurring series of posts about mediocrity. You’ve seen blogs on “cool,” blogs peddling black and white photographs of Steve McQueen wearing a tuxedo with the bow tie undone, smoking cigarettes and toting a magnum revolver, leaning against his race car with a model on either arm. And you’ve seen the blogs on “failure,” countless hours of video showcasing the world’s dumbest and most unfortunate citizens getting punched in the face or falling from a roof, shooting a Roman candle out of their asses or getting their testicles rearranged by a mule. But have you seen a blog on the ordinary? The internet is sorely lacking in aggregated average content, and I am hoping to change that.
Now you might be saying, “Hey, wait a minute there guy, the internet is an expansive wasteland of useless information that I must grudgingly tread through to reach the ‘cool’ and ’embarrassing’ content…some ass holes create a new, vapid blog every 3 seconds (cough, cough).” My riposte is one of humble accession, but I urge you to consider Mediocre Wednesdays as a revolutionary perspective on the commonplace. As fellow PagJAM contributor Dutch McDoogleson puts it, “People use the internet to escape their mundane lives and see exciting shit, but Mediocre Wednesdays is a chance, nay an opportunity, to escape the exciting shit on the internet and experience the mundane” (Self Titled Debut pg 36). This series is a celebration of our country and all that defines it: the middle-class, bank tellers and waiters trying to be actors, C+ students and teachers on tenure, overalls and bowl cuts, Big Boy restaurants and Old Navy. If you’ve ever spoken to a foreigner about America, stories of Times Square and Hollywood litter their speech; I want to change that distorted view. I want them to picture the World’s Largest Truckstop in Iowa, or this man, because that is the true America.
To start this series off right, here is a feature on my beige 2000 Ford Taurus SEL, affectionately known as the Clit (Taurus > Clitaurus > Clitoris > Clit). The Clit is the King of Commonplace, the Ace of Average, the Behemoth of Blah. She is 82,000 miles of pure mediocrity…does she have a tape deck? YES! Power steering? YES! Anti-lock brakes? YES, she has amazing ABS! Howabout a CD player? YES…well, it’s in the trunk, but you can control it from the dash! Check out her lines:
Note the perfect dent on the rear door:
Need a shot of the back? Chipped paint on your bumper is a sure sign of mediocrity:
Nothing says average like rust:
…or a worn down and cracked steering wheel:
I travel in style, the true American Style of mediocrity, and every Wednesday from here on out, we will celebrate that style.