Yes it’s Wednesday again, and although as I write this the Central Standard Time clock is telling me it’s almost Thursday, the fact remains that today is still Hump Day, and there is just enough time for me to squeeze in a mediocre post in recognition of the most mediocre of days. I know that there are millions of readers out there that waited on pins and needles today to read an incredibly average post about the mediocrity that consumes this country, and many of these millions will be upset at my tardiness. But the fact remains that this recurring series celebrates the mundane, and consequently it would be rash to assume that these posts should come in an efficient manner.
This week, PagJAM sets its sights on the earthquake yesterday that rocked the Atlantic states, and frankly its mediocrity upsets me. A 5.8, are you kidding me? I don’t know anything about seismic activity, I mean it’s taught to kids in like 5th grade, but that sounds really average. I’m guessing the most gnarly of all quakes is like a 10, and then you have 1’s and 2’s that nobody can feel. So that puts this East Coast Quake right in the middle. But even if I did understand the scale, I wouldn’t even have to have read it to see that this event was average…just watching CNN for the succeeding 24 hours was a sheer exercise in blah. Reporter A discusses where they were when they felt it and what they were thinking, then they cut to Reporter B who adds what they felt during the quake, and then they need to cut down to someone on the street reporting on the hysteria…and what does Reporter C report on? What kinda of mayhem was rocking the cities? People had to evacuate their buildings! Like a goddamn fire drill in middle school, the people are just standing around on this beautiful sunny day, relishing in the fact that they don’t have to respond to any emails for 30 mins. Was anyone injured? No! Was anything destroyed? No! How lame is that? An earthquake is supposed to wreck shit like in Japan, and if it doesn’t, then who cares?
Wait, let’s have Reporter C get some commentary from the distraught citizens around her…Joe from Charleston: “Well, I was talking to the barrista at Starbucks, and I ordered my double grande venti mocha breast milk coffee, and all of a sudden someone was like, did you feel that? And I was pretty sure I did feel it, and so I asked if someone else felt it too, and they said yeah, so we kinda thought that there was an earthquake, but we weren’t sure.” Every one interviewed said this exact thing! A whole bunch of bland…it was almost like CNN, or even God, was like hey Anthony, you work way too damn hard trying to uncover all the mediocrity that runs amok in this country, we’ll create a story that you couldn’t miss if you tried.